Guide. Pray. Faith. #loveproject365

14/365 #loveproject365



























Last night, with a cancellation of an appointment, the family got to get out for dinner. I absolutely love spending time with Rob and Jacob. Having an adult child has certainly changed things around here but it has been a fun time watching our "little guy" grow up and figure out the world. This past year has been rocky at times with questions of faith and school goals but it is all part of the process and I believe God has big plans for him.

Sitting at dinner and chatting about the future can be exciting and scary all at the same time. We live in a world that is unpredictable and has no guarantees. We talked about majors and careers and options for the future but when it came down to it, the most important thing in life is being right with God. Our lives can take a turn at any time and we have to be able to turn to the one who created us to find peace. People and jobs will disappoint us, but God is the only one who's got our back.

Teaching our kids this truth is the single most important thing we could do for them. If you have children or grandchildren, no matter what age, teach them and pray for them. God will do the rest.

"Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it."

Proverbs 22:6

It's God's Plan, Not Mine #loveproject365

13/365 #loveproject365





















I love when I feel I have accomplished much and this week was one of those weeks. I started back on Monday with a complete overwhelming sense of "oh my, what have I signed up for this time?" This semester, I have taken on a few more things but all moving towards a direction I believe God is leading me. In my lifetime, I have never settled and am always looking for something new and exciting. Teaching has provided me so much of this and I am grateful for the opportunities it has allowed me to tackle. From the classroom to leadership to running a summer camp for young writers, I have enjoyed so many aspects of my career.

Sometimes the days get long and I have a hard time figuring out why I do what I do. But then the reality of those around me who struggle for work and finding a job they enjoy hits me. I am so lucky to have a support group encouraging me when I feel inadequate or ineffective in my role as a teacher.

This week, I went from teaching online to meeting with an awesome group of leaders on my campus to finding myself in a room full of college writing professors, one of which was a graduate from the very school in which I teach, and one who had come to observe my classroom on an earlier occasion. The world is big, but in some ways, so very small.

No matter your career or life goals, make the best of every opportunity. God has lead me to the very place I am today building on what he has created me to be. Connecting with others professionally and personally keeps us grounded in what we do and reminds us that our purpose is one guided by a God who knows us better than we know ourselves.

"The purpose of a person's heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out."

 Proverbs 20:5

Those Thoughts are not from God

My faith in God is strong and I have always had an innate sense to do right. It may be some of my Catholic influence as a young child or my grandmother always expecting the best of me, but long before I was a Christian, I knew right from wrong and always tried to do right. I value integrity and honesty and try to be true to that in my own life. I expect in others. In relationships, I work on being fair and couldn't pull off a poker face if I tried. I try to see the best in others and I work on not making assumptions or jumping to conclusions, but boy I missed a good poker face and was completely fooled.

The result of my lack of discernment shook my faith and caused so much anger. For months, I couldn't go out for a run without being attacked by my own thoughts. Recently, I heard that our mind races at an insane speed and I believe it. Have you been there? You are consumed by thoughts that take you spiraling in a whirlwind going so fast you can't stop yourself and at some point don't you might not want to. You think things that you would never say out loud and you imagine the what if's. You play back conversations, car rides, lunches and moments when you felt like they really understood and had your best interest at heart. Purging a few weeks ago, I came across a picture, and then another, and then a gift-all leading me back to the situation. I was so deceived there are moments I can't believe she actually fooled me. There are times when I have almost convinced myself that it's impossible. No one could be so cruel and deceitful with their words, their time and their perceived friendship. And it happened, my heart was broken and I was angry, sad, and in disbelief.

While God is working on my broken heart, the demons are attacking me almost daily. So many thoughts have flooded my mind that are not from God and I have been trying to fight them off. In our humanness we allow another human being with a free will to bring us down with them. We lose our sense of goodness every time we entertain a thought not from a God who loves us and values us. While I know logically and scripturally that I am His, I still am fighting demons. They know my weakness and will do everything they can to gain my attention. My battle with pride and anger is exhausting at times, but in the end, it is my pride that keeps me from fully surrendering and moving on. A pride I never knew I had until these moments. 

A pride that keeps us from loving. 

A pride that hinders our relationship with God and others. 

A pride that sinks deep in our soul and makes us sick to our stomach. 

A pride that can be addicting. 

The pain caused by another human being can cut deep, but losing Jesus is so much more painful. My wounds are deep and my heart has been broken, but I know with time God will heal this heart and this will just be a memory in the past.

"Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up."

James 4:10

Marriage: As luck would have it

Every time I hear about a couple separating or getting a divorce, I am deeply saddened. Even if I don't know them. I know there are situations that are unhealthy or even abusive, and some relationships can turn sour, but I believe in marriage. I believe in doing what it takes to stay together. I believe it is "until death do us part." Hopefully, you are fortunate enough to know a few couples who have made it past the 10 year mark and beyond. Recently, someone commented that we are "lucky" and it bugged me that someone would think that "just by chance" we have made it to this point. I don't know about you, but if you are married, you will probably agree that luck has nothing to do with it.

Again, Luck?! It definitely isn't by luck that a marriage works or not. Especially ours and I am assuming yours too. No matter where you are in your marriage, you know it takes some work to keep things going well. Likewise, ours is not a story of luck in any sense. At times, we might even agree that we had a curse on our marriage that we battled from our 3rd year on. A curse we fought often. A curse that ached my heart and caused so much pain that I would cry myself to sleep at night. One that no one would ever understand then, or now. Our marriage wouldn't be anything if left by chance. Instead, God had a plan.

He had a plan for us that we may have never seen if I had not trusted in Him. God has a plan for each of us and when we are trusting Him we see that more clearly. When I trust in God, I know it is not by chance that I ended up in a certain place at a certain time. I am there because I listened and followed God's lead, even when I didn't want to. Even when it was too painful and I didn't see any hope for change.

Several times in the last 20 years, I have wondered why God allowed me to be in a situation that seemed unfair. So many times...it seemed unfair. I wanted something I knew I would never have and eventually accepted it, knowing that it wasn't God's fault but instead one man's decision that changed everything. In the beginning I had no idea what was going on but I knew things weren't the same. Our closest friends abandoned our lives, we bounced around from church to church and new acquaintances passed through our lives about every few years. I was convinced it was our schedule while I worked during the day, Rob spent his evenings at the dojo. Accepting that maybe us, as a couple, just didn't fit in anywhere, Rob and I built a life around the dojo and the people that came and went from there. It always seemed strange to me that we didn't see those who stood by us at our wedding only a few years earlier, nor were we getting invited to places with friends that were always around before. We has always been social and enjoyed the company of others. Rob knew everyone!

But that all changed after the accident.

We were faithful to church, going every week, yet never finding a place to belong. We were faithful to each other, yet kept our distance from building lasting friendships with others. We focused on Jacob and the life we had committed to together. At times, there was a sadness I felt when I thought about the times we shared before the accident. The times we shared with friends and our church family. But that was gone, and I knew it would never come back. We lost it after the accident. We were different and no one knew the struggle. No one would ever know. It was a secret even I didn't fully understand until recently.

During those times of wondering and crying out to God, I knew it was not by chance that I was where I was. I always knew and trusted God had a plan for me, for us. I never really knew what it was until recently. When our lives took a turn and I thought I would lose everything I had trusted and built my life on, I knew God was right there with me. He knew this day was coming and he prepared me for it. It wasn't by chance that I was right where I needed to be at that very moment. In the right Bible study with the right people, and with two Christian women who had only come into my life within the past few years. God knew what I needed and I listened.

It isn't luck that got us through the last 20 years. It was a commitment to love one another, even when we didn't know what the next day would bring. It was trusting in situations that to the rest of the world seemed unreliable. It was being thankful for what we had. It was believing in the unknown and the unpredictable. It was doing the right thing because it was the right thing. It was abandoning the naysayers and those that didn't believe in us. It was turning away from those who tried to misguide us in their lack of faith.

To the world, we may have looked like we had it all together most of the time but there was a battle that had to be fought. There was an accident that easily could have destroyed us from the beginning. An accident that haunted our lives for years, each in a different way without the other knowing BUT we made it through. Not by chance or luck or any other reason except my faith in something bigger than us. Today, we are on the other side of a tumultuous past and celebrating life together.

Rebuilding.
Renewing.
Recreating.

God knew all along this day would come.

Ephesians 2:10

For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Never Say Never

Two things I adamantly said, "no way, would I ever," have recently come to surface in my life. We do have choices, yes, but sometimes, the choice to go against something just because we don't want to, isn't great enough to fight. Don't get me wrong, I fought for weeks. I fought and fought against what I believed to be best, not just for me, but for everyone involved. Unfortunately, everyone involved won and I lost the battle. So, maybe it wasn't best for everyone, or maybe it wasn't best for me. I am not sure what God has planned but I do know He has a plan. He always does. And as many times as I have seen him change me in situations I fought, I still feel frustrated, angry and totally taken advantage of. As I continue to fight within myself trying to figure out how I will make it work without running away, I am reminded over and over again, that it is not my plan to make work. 

Sometimes, we are faced with situations we are not ready for and strongly believe we "would never." In these times, it is natural to feel frustrated, scared or even angry. Holding on to the those feelings will only make us more frustrated and stifle any possibility of our personal growth and change. As I am still learning to work through my frustrations, I know I cannot change the situation, but instead have to face it head on and be the best I can be with what God has given me. I am sure somewhere in all of this there is a lesson for me to learn, yet I am blinded by an overwhelming sense of "it's not fair," with a little stomping of my feet. OK, maybe more stomping my feet than I want to admit. And maybe it isn't fair, but then again, "life isn't fair," right? 

Not to say, I am not still fighting with God on this, but ultimately, I know I have to face the change. I know it is no longer my fight but His and I know He has given me the tools to work it out, if I simply trust in Him completely. It is our humanness that doesn't see the bigger plan He has for us. But in those times, especially, we have to trust in Him. We have to stop stomping our feet, blaming others and do what we are called to do. Even as I write that last sentence, I still want to say..."but..but..what about me?" It is never about me, or you, it is always about the bigger plan He has for our lives. Oh, sigh...I have a lot to learn, as I assume many of us do. 

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.