Forgive and Forget...#loveproject365

11/365 #loveproject365

I don't like to be fooled.

I don't like to be lied to or deceived and I would bet most people don't.

But as humans, it happens to us all at some point. In our culture today, it seems that it is easier and even acceptable to stretch the truth a little, keep some details out or just simple keep quiet all together and we aren't actually lying. I have said it many times before, but I one of integrity regardless of what it might cost me. I value honesty and truth and if it hurts, so be it. Just be honest with me.

As a teacher, I get a lot of stories. Stories that stretch the truth and even flat out lie. Sometimes the stories are so believable, I am not sure what is truth anymore. Today, for example, a student came in to contest his B+. As we looked at his grade, I realized he submitted his final project three days late and it didn't even look like he worked an extra three days on it. Actually, it looked more like three hours on a five week project. His explanation? He didn't know where to submit it. Hmmm....I have 38 students in the class, and 37 knew where to submit it. Lie? Maybe? Maybe he just was too afraid to ask someone, knowing it was so late. Who knows? This is a minor offense, but a lie nonetheless. Unfortunately, I have a hard time letting it go for the next time he comes in with a story.

I am sure you could think of a few stories of your own to share where someone has told you a story that just didn't seem right, only to find out later, it was a flat out lie. I don't know why people are so afraid of the truth, but they are. Knowing this about others, I have become quite skeptical of pretty much everyone and everything. Over the course of several years, I have a hard time trusting anyone, in fear that what I think is true is a lie. That some day down the road, it will hurt me. With this attitude, love is hard to find.

But then, I look at Jesus and I think about Judas. Talk about the ultimate lie! He sold him down the river to be crucified. AND they were friends! But guess what? Jesus forgave him and let it go. If only I had a little bit of that Jesus in me to forgive so easily and then forget. As I work through this year, trying to love more freely, I am reminded again that I have to be willing to let go. Let go of the little lies and the big ones. To love no matter what. To be like Jesus, is to forgive, so you can forget. To give that young man who came in desperate to save his grade, a little forgiveness, so next time, I can be open to his next story.

"it (love) is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

1 Corinthians 13:5

Those Thoughts are not from God

My faith in God is strong and I have always had an innate sense to do right. It may be some of my Catholic influence as a young child or my grandmother always expecting the best of me, but long before I was a Christian, I knew right from wrong and always tried to do right. I value integrity and honesty and try to be true to that in my own life. I expect in others. In relationships, I work on being fair and couldn't pull off a poker face if I tried. I try to see the best in others and I work on not making assumptions or jumping to conclusions, but boy I missed a good poker face and was completely fooled.

The result of my lack of discernment shook my faith and caused so much anger. For months, I couldn't go out for a run without being attacked by my own thoughts. Recently, I heard that our mind races at an insane speed and I believe it. Have you been there? You are consumed by thoughts that take you spiraling in a whirlwind going so fast you can't stop yourself and at some point don't you might not want to. You think things that you would never say out loud and you imagine the what if's. You play back conversations, car rides, lunches and moments when you felt like they really understood and had your best interest at heart. Purging a few weeks ago, I came across a picture, and then another, and then a gift-all leading me back to the situation. I was so deceived there are moments I can't believe she actually fooled me. There are times when I have almost convinced myself that it's impossible. No one could be so cruel and deceitful with their words, their time and their perceived friendship. And it happened, my heart was broken and I was angry, sad, and in disbelief.

While God is working on my broken heart, the demons are attacking me almost daily. So many thoughts have flooded my mind that are not from God and I have been trying to fight them off. In our humanness we allow another human being with a free will to bring us down with them. We lose our sense of goodness every time we entertain a thought not from a God who loves us and values us. While I know logically and scripturally that I am His, I still am fighting demons. They know my weakness and will do everything they can to gain my attention. My battle with pride and anger is exhausting at times, but in the end, it is my pride that keeps me from fully surrendering and moving on. A pride I never knew I had until these moments. 

A pride that keeps us from loving. 

A pride that hinders our relationship with God and others. 

A pride that sinks deep in our soul and makes us sick to our stomach. 

A pride that can be addicting. 

The pain caused by another human being can cut deep, but losing Jesus is so much more painful. My wounds are deep and my heart has been broken, but I know with time God will heal this heart and this will just be a memory in the past.

"Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up."

James 4:10