Friendship Changed my Story

If you have been following my story for the last year, I have been down some dark roads and struggled through the toughest challenges of my life. Those who knew me as a teen may argue, but seriously, this year has rocked me in so many ways I could never have imagined. Strange at times, unexplainable at best. But yesterday was a turning point. Another one. Another, because I have had a few in the last year. They actually scare me a little in fear that something bad will happen again. It seems that every time I got back up, someone knocked me down again. Damn them!

But I keep getting back up for one more shot. So, here I am. Back up and moving forward. And this time, I am a little more vulnerable. This time I voiced my thoughts to a friend. I shared my heart for just a few minutes and that was it. A friend I knew wouldn't judge me, or the situation, and would simply love me and encourage me in my faith and in my desire to move on. Up to this point, I had created a psych ward in my head from all my insecurities (paraphrased from Beth Moore), spinning out of control at every little memory.

For the past six months, I have asked for prayer, for grace, for forgiveness. Not for me. I freely take grace and forgiveness, I just don't always dole it out. Holding on to hurt has trapped me from everything. It has kept me from God. From friends and most importantly, from loving others. I stayed trapped in my "psych ward" of insecurity for the last six months. Six months. Torturing myself while everyone else has moved on. But yesterday, I let out the thoughts and it felt good. It was strange that it only took a short chat with a friend to relieve the anxiety I had been carrying for. six. months. We can't always take on the world by ourselves. Yes, God is our protector and Savior but we were created to be in community with others here on earth. We are here to support one another and love each other, yet, my pride gets in the way of this sometimes and I think I can do it on my own.

Friends. They are hard to find and more hard to keep in this busy, self-absorbed society, but I have a few. And fortunately, yesterday, God had me ready to open up and share. And I finally felt free of my own thoughts. I under-estimated the impact a friend can have when I am struggling. I tried to handle it on my own but I couldn't. My wounds were deep but my faith was stronger. My friend listened and reminded me that I am human and yet, strong and loved. She validated me and showed me that I will get through it because of my faith. I needed that. I needed someone to tell me. I knew it....in my head. But sometimes we need someone to come alongside and remind us.

Last night, I imagined God as my father looking down on my begging me to come back. I imagined Him trying to put his arms around me while I stood stiff. I imagined tears trickling down his cheeks as I glared in anger. I imagined Him not speaking but tenderly looking at me with eyes of such sadness that I just couldn't withhold anymore. I thought about being a mother and how painful it would be if my son turned on me the way I had turned on God the last six months.

With my friend and with my God, I am reminded of how much we need each other on earth, and that we cannot live this life in isolation. Even though rejection has flooded me the last year, I know my heart breaks because I have loved deeply. And that is better than not to have loved at all.

So, here I am, going out on a limb again. Trusting. Loving. Forgiving.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

24 and 21 years, it's just time

It hasn't been easy. I read the police report again today and it said the man went into a diabetic coma and didn't even stop when he hit the rear left tire that sent my husband flipping around across the overpass at Christianitos Road. It wasn't until he hit a bank back on the freeway a mile or so up. He didn't even know what had happened.

I don't remember too many details of that day, except that I was picked up at the campground in a police car with a female office who wouldn't say a word. At the hospital I sat in the waiting room for hours not knowing what was going on. My brother with me, neither of us said much for the time we were there. Someone finally called to see what was going on and asked to talk to the nurse for me. A little while later, I went into ICU and he was strapped to a board and dazed. We didn't say much to each other, he couldn't move and was barely alert. The doctors didn't tell me anything, or at least I don't remember them saying his jaw was dislocated, his arm and shoulder had lacerations or even that he was struggling to remember anything.

We were at the hospital for a long time and I have no idea what happened that weekend. Our stuff at the campground, getting home. It was my first year teaching and I had to call in and didn't know how so I called the principal while I was there. I took Monday off. And maybe Tuesday.

Twenty one years later, we just celebrated twenty four years since our wedding day, but for Rob, it is only twenty one. That day changed everything. I got a new husband and he woke up with a wife. He didn't leave, although he may have wanted to wondering how the heck he ended up with me. He probably figured this was his life, so he stuck around and tried figuring it out. His mouth was wired shut for a few months so he had a lot of time to observe. To watch people come and visit him. Our friends at the time and little did they or I know, he had no idea who we were. Eventually, they moved on and it was just us. And after that he thought he had me fooled. But I knew something was different. Even years later, his parents came for the first time and they noticed. We started over, sorta. We made new friends, we opened a business, we changed churches...over and over again.

But regardless of all this, I loved him from the day I married him and love him more today than ever before. We've been through a lot together, he and I. Secrets for years of the memory loss and brain damage but I have never stopped loving him. No accident, no memory loss, no change in behavior altered how I felt about the love we had, even if he didn't fully grasp it. I knew God had me here to love and be faithful to him from the beginning. He is still Rob, the guy with compassion for others, who is kind and does things to makes others comfortable. The guy who is often misunderstood but loves anyway. The dad who would do anything for his son. The husband who wants the best for his wife.

Life sometimes takes a turn on us and we don't expect it. Maybe we had a dream of a career that went a different direction. Maybe we thought we would have kids, only to find out we can't. Maybe we wanted to live in a big house overlooking the ocean only to find that the job we have doesn't allow it. No matter what I have ever wanted in life, God has always given me far more than I could ever imagine.

My "new" husband in 1995, changed who I was. He made me love more, have more faith, and he taught me about perspective and living life every day the best you can. To be your best even when others suck. Even when circumstances aren't what you want. To appreciate the day we have and the time we get each day because we know more than anyone that today could be the last.

The story of Naomi and Ruth reminds me that our circumstances aren't always what we planned. Both of these women had a loss and one was young and could go on without the other but she stuck by her. I love the trust and care Ruth has in Naomi and her willingness to stay by her side in this time.

"But Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severly, if even death separates you and me. When Naomi realizes that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her."

Ruth 1: 16-18

Looking for a Challenge? Try this Uphill Battle

It's probably been three or four years since I have hit Skyline trailhead in Corona but this time was much different.

Only three of us showed up this week for our run, and I hope it wasn't my pick of trails. Although everyone else knew what we were in for except me. First of all, the trailhead and parking is much better now that they have paved a way behind the houses and a street provides all the parking. And it's free! It's probably been this way for a while but I hadn't been here in a few years or so. The first time, it was a family bonding event with my brother and his family as we "hiked" it with a stroller in tow talking about the latest of events in our lives. Strenuous I remember, but not too much to handle that day.

Running, though. Much different approach to this trail. Bonnie and Robert knew it and had run it quite a few times. Robert even reminisced about the days when you could drive to the top and as we ran this day, we did see a car off the cliff in the depths of the hills. With chains and gates, I am not sure how it got there but some people are still finding ways to drive it. The road is big enough for a car, but is limited to cyclists, runners and walkers. Get there early if you don't want to walk to the trailhead. Cars were already lined up halfway down Foothill Parkway by 6:30 am.

Once you hit the path off of Foothill Parkway, the trailhead is about a mile up a paved road behind some houses. Once you get to the trail, you simply climb upward with some hairpin turns and relentless elevation. On the trail, it is busy with walkers and a few runners for the first mile or so but they start to taper off after that. As you climb, you will see more cyclists working their way up only later to pass you on their way down.

About three miles up, it gets a bit rocky but still a moderate run path for the most part. The challenge of this trail was in the uphill climb. There is absolutely no break in elevation or any flat areas to the doppler. But if you slow down a bit in the early morning you can catch a beautiful sunrise and views of the Inland Empire and San Gabriel Mountains. The morning was warm already but the views were worth it. We took the road up about four miles and headed back down. The sun was hot and your legs start to burn when you run uphill that many miles. I am still lagging a bit behind everyone but I am hanging in there, hoping to hit a growth spurt in speed and distance in the next few weeks.

Once we headed down, we flew. I flew so much that at some point, I was afraid I would trip over my feet when my legs seemed to slow down. I am pretty sure we got to the bottom in half the time. And as always, everyone enjoyed the run and wanted to return.

Another one on the books with 11 more weeks to go!

Ragnar hits the Road in Anaheim

I nearly died at seven miles, but we kept going until we hit ten. My sister-in-law is an animal and pushed me to the end. Don't get me wrong, this is not a difficult trail by any means. It is actually pretty flat and not so challenging at all, except for the distance and possibly the heat, if you aren't ready for it.

The team met up a Yorba Regional Park, Anaheim, at 6:30 am. to run the Santa Ana River trail. Against my wishes, they fight me for an earlier time every week. Something about the heat and the humidity. But all I can think of is, it is Saturday for goodness sakes. Needless to say, they win. We all drive a distance to meet up, but this was a little closer so I didn't have to get up too early.

When you arrive, the park is already bustling on a Saturday in July with cyclist, runners, and dog walkers. When we pull in I have a chance to spark up a conversation with a lady getting ready to head out on a ride. This particular morning, she was heading out with her team for 75 miles. Eeeek! Not only was she riding 75 miles, she was making three loops to do it. I don't know about you, but I don't enjoy the hamster wheel. The same scenery, the same ride, three times in a row? I probably would have to stop at 25 or take a different route for more. On the other hand, I think the route is to the beach and back. I may be tempted to just stop at the beach for awhile and return the loop later in the day. Have lunch, enjoy the sun, relax a bit.

Good for me, I wasn't taking that route, but I did see her on my run about an hour or so later. She nearly ran me over with her bike. Of course, you could take the same run to the beach, but we weren't up for a 25-miler that day. It seems each week, the team wavers between 8-10 miles depending on where we are and who has to be where later in the day.

On this particular day, I don't think we ever decided how far we would go, we simply hit the ground running away from the beach on the Santa Ana River trail. The route is pretty easy to follow but you do have some choices along the road. As I am writing this, the city is doing some construction so there are some detours that lead you to the roadside for a few miles. They have put a barrier on the side to keep runners, walkers and cyclist safe from the traffic but the trail itself was quite busy even at 6:30 in the morning. Local high school cross country teams were running, in addition to, moms with strollers, individuals and other groups like ours.

Once you turn up and over a small hill, you veer left off the road where the trail takes you into Canyon RV park nestled in Featherly Wilderness Preserve in the heart of Santa Ana Canyon. The scenery is quite beautiful at this point. It weaves in and through trees and greenery down to the Pacific Ocean in Huntington Beach if you choose to go farther. We turned around at about five miles in to complete a ten miler for the day.

My near death experience wasn't because of the trail but because on a Saturday in July, I decided not to carry water and may have been a bit dehydrated. The sun beat down on us most of the run, until you hit the campground. If you like road runs, some may think this one to be boring but I enjoyed the fresh air in the canyon, and on another day, may have gone a little further to enjoy the scenery. It is an easy flat trail with some shade and cooler breezes but it does take a few miles to get to it when you leave from the park.

It's not God's fault

"What looks like a setback is really God setting you up to get you to the fullness of your destiny."-Joel Olsteen

It is in the dark of the night that thoughts haunt me and the world doesn't seem fair. It is in the wee hours of the morning that I shake my fist at God asking him why. I had surrendered it all to Him and it still went bad. How could this happen? Was I not faithful enough? Did I not love enough? My biggest fears play out right in front of me while all I can do is watch and listen. Days turned into weeks turned into months and years. I didn't want to believe, I didn't want to see what was right in front of me the entire time. And then like a bomb, it crashed. I felt it and I knew it, but never confronted it directly.

Things changed after that. I tried to find answers only to get more angry. My thoughts spiraled out of control and I started to believe Satan's lies, building on the hurt in my heart that moved to a physical disability in my gut. Satan had his grip on me telling me lies, testing my faith. I had been faithful, so much that he attacked and God let him. Why God? Why have you forsaken me? It was a battle of the spirit and I was losing. I was letting him get a hold of me, shaking my faith. The only thing I knew to be true. Surrendered it all! And now what?

What do we do when we feel like our trust in God was all in vain? When the single most important decision you ever made failed you? No scripture, no song, no sermon could get me back. I ignored the songs, I stopped reading and I stopped listening. It seemed to me more lies.

And then I realized that it's man's free will that was shaken, not my faith. Things could have been better and my attitude was not always spot on even though I had surrendered it all. I hadn't loved like Jesus and I had been focused on the wrong goals, so my life got shaken up. And instead of changing my attitude, I continued to be angry. I let things happen instead of speaking up. I convinced myself that giving it to God was enough. But I didn't listen to him and take action. Sometimes we have to do more than pray and sadly, I have learned this the hard way.

It doesn't just look like a "setback," I let it be one. But now as I come to realize that it isn't God but the world around me full of insecurities and selfish ambitions, I can move forward. The world sucks sometimes and no matter how much faith you have, God allows the world to turn as it will. He allows us free will and along with that, everyone makes their own decisions. Believers fall. Believers lack judgement. Insecurities cause people to stumble, to hurt, to let go of what they know is right, even with their faith in God.

But this is not my swan song, I am picking myself up and moving on. Sometimes we have to shake it off and reset to have the fullness of the life God wanted for us. If we continue to wallow in our sadness, we lose. Did you hear that, we lose. I lose. No one else. While others move on, we are are sometimes left to pick up the pieces of the mess they left behind. And although it isn't right, we don't have to be victims to the world's lack of judgement and insecurity. If we continue to hold on to the anger and the pain, we only hurt ourselves and never see our full potential in this life. As Andy Andrews says, "The bad news is that the past was in your hands, but the good news is that the future , my friend, is also in your hands."

I will not hold on to the lies of the world.
I will not allow the world to shake what I know to be true.

Because from this moment, I will live a life of love, peace and joy.

"In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:6