I was angry at God today

It was a restless night, tossing and turning. I am not exactly sure but I was uneasy about it. Whatever it was! At 4:30 am I decided to just get up and go to the gym, maybe a little sweat would work off the stress I felt from my insides and ease the pain that had lingered in my stomach for days. Something just wasn't right and my heart and body felt it.

After a good thirty minutes of cardio, I walked out feeling a little better physically, but I still had a bad sense that something was wrong. And it wasn't just that my gas tank was riding into the station on fumes. Filling up the tank and getting back on the road, it hit me. I surged with anger and it was towards God. It came suddenly and I cried the rest of the way home shouting at him, 

"Why don't you do something?"

"Haven't I had enough?" 

"Haven't I given you my life and been obedient enough?" 

Enough! When will it be enough? Have you ever been there? Of course you have. We all have had that moment when we think we have had enough and it is about time God do something. The funny thing is, we often take matters into our own hands for so long that when we finally get fed up, we start pointing the finger at Him as if it is His fault we are stressed and hopeless.

Him, who says, rest in me. Him, who says, let it go my daughter and I will take care of you. Him, who says, I love you, put your faith in me and not in yourself.

It took my stubborn self a while to come to my senses and realize that this whole time, God has been there, He will always be there. He has his arms wide open, ready for me to simply let go. But while I was hanging on to my own devices, my own control, and my own ways of doing things for weeks, God was patiently waiting for me to surrender. It was then, when I let it go that the tears stopped and the pain slowly sudsided and the peace came.

It is going to be ok.

"Surrendering your life to God means:

• Following God's lead without knowing where he's sending you;
• Waiting for God's timing without knowing when it will come;
• Expecting a miracle without knowing how God will provide;
• Trusting God's promises without understanding the circumstances." -Rick Warren

"Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him." Psalm 37:7

Take Time to Breathe, my Friend

Wow! The past five weeks have truly been a whirlwind of events in my life yet God knew what I was heading for long before. A few months ago, I committed to a small group study for five weeks. It just so happened that it started the week my life started to take a new direction, a scary one. And while I am still on this ride, I had no idea that "Breathe" would not only put me in a room with some prayerful and Jesus-loving women, but he would remind me that life is too short to be overwhelmed by the things he has so graciously brought into my life.

"If what we are doing takes more than the 24 hours we have each day, we are not doing God's work," a paraphrase, no-less from one of the girls. Last week, Michelle reminded me that if I am not enjoying the things God gave me to enjoy, I am missing out on the "good life." We all are.

Now, I have to say, when I realized the study was about the Sabbath, I thought I was pretty good at keeping Sunday open for God and family. Not making plans to work, or do anything that was too stressful. You can imagine by looking back at the last few weeks, the study on the Sabbath didn't seem like the study I needed but boy, was I wrong. God knows me and knew exactly what I was up against.

The Sabbath as most people would interpret is Sunday. it is the day God rested after creating the earth and all that is in it. It is the day he delighted in what he created. And yes, this is true but it is so much more than that. God designed us to stop and enjoy creation. Not just on Sunday but everyday. In our society today, we believe that busy is better and tired is natural. Think about it. How often do you respond to someone when they ask "how you are?" So often we respond with, "Tired." And yet, we do nothing about it. God did not want us to be tired, or overbooked, or so busy we forget to pay attention to important things.

Now of course, anyone reading this and knows me, knows I am busy! I like to do a lot of things. Most of which I commit to because I want to do those things. I often will say, there isn't enough time to do all the things I enjoy. But the problem is when the things you enjoy become an item on your to-do list, you may be missing the goodness of God. I realized by studying God's word, that he wants some of that time and we need to leave a margin for the important things. God wants to do things in my life, but if I bog myself down and never take time to listen or chat with him, I will never know. Listening takes effort, it takes closing out the noise, getting rid of the clutter in our head and taking a pause, quietly, in a moment or two. It is stopping in the middle of the madness, and taking a walk, a time out, or just closing your eyes and opening your ears to hear Jesus speaking to you. I don't know about you, but I need God to do some things in my life right now. So, let's stop to listen, to be still, to breathe.

"Chronic overloading is not a spiritual prerequisite for authentic Christianity. Quite the contrary, overloading is what we do when we forget who God is." -Richard Swenson

Buckle Up and Enjoy the Ride

I don't know about you, but I hate not knowing the plan.

Where are we going?
How long will it take?
What should I bring?

Taking a trip, I put the address in Google Maps, check the time we need to leave. I check and re-check the weather so I can pack accordingly. I pack water, snacks and meal replacements, as if I am not going to find a store when we get to a remote place like, Big Bear or better, San Diego. it could be a day trip or a weekend, I still plan it out and carry more to the car as we are leaving. Can you relate?

Just this week, I met with a trainer who asked me, "so, what is your personality? Do you like to know what is coming next? Like reps, or exercises? Or do you just do what someone tells you?" I bet you can guess how I responded. Yup, I said, "I don't care about a plan, just tell me what to do." Funny, how certain situations bring a different response. I proceeded to say, "I am flexible, I go with the flow. When I teach cardio classes, I just wing it as I feel."

Now, maybe this is true for you. In some situations, we really don't care what is next. But when things are a bit unclear or you are uncertain of an end result, our attitude changes. When I am going to a new place, I want to plan it. I need to know stuff. But when I know the end result is simply to get my butt kicked, spontaneous workouts and flexibility is all right by me.

And then come those seasons or moments in life where you want a plan and have no control over it. You wonder, what the heck is happening to me? God, where are you taking me? And even more often, where are you, God? I cannot do this on my own any more. I need a map, I need some clothes and I need some food. It's when Google can't help, my yoga pants don't cut it and my meal replacement just isn't enough to keep me going.

I know you've been there. We all have at some point in our lives. For some of you, it may be over yet it felt like forever, while others may be right on the road to "I don't know where." No matter where you are on your journey, God is in the pilot's seat and you have to just buckle up and hold on. The road may get bumpy, the journey may slow down or speed up at any time; hills may be steep, but you have to take the top down and enjoy the ride.

Fearlessly. Spontaneously. Faithfully.

"Whom shall I fear?

I know who goes before me

I know who stands behind

The God of Angel armies

Is always by my side"

-Chris Tomlin

A Shout Out to Friends

Ever have one of those weeks where the world seems to be falling apart and there is nothing you can do about it? I have had a few in the last month and let me tell you-Friends Rule!

Too often we get so busy doing our thing, whether it be taking care of the kids, work, cleaning up the house or just simply the daily grind gets a bit too overwhelming and we neglect those around us for the sake of getting things done. I admit it, I am not a good friend most of the time. I spend most of my time work and taking care of the family leaving little time to make a phone call or check on a friend. It isn't that I don't care about my friends, not is it that I don't want to have some girl time, it just seems life moves so fast and I never slow down to make a different plan.

BUT I have some awesome friends! This past month, I have been reminded how valuable each of them are to me. Girls, don't let friendships die because you don't take time to nurture them...one day you will need each other for something more than a mani/pedi or a GNO.

My friends send texts with bible verses and simple "I'm thinking about you," for encouragement they will meet in a moment to pray, even if over the phone, and will listen when I simply need to vent a little. They stay true and faithful, even when time and distance separate us.

I could go on, but you get the point. When a storm comes, friends need each other. Friends matter all the time, but in those times when you really need to chat, cry or simply get some energy out with a lunchtime run...Friends can make the difference in our lives.

God has given me some of the best friends in the world. This is a shout out to each one of you!

Ecclesiastes 4: 9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: 

10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Finding Peace in the Storm

It was only a few weeks ago, Easter Sunday to be exact that I spoke these words to my family in the car, "I am a survivor." Little did I know, only a few later I would be put to the test. Many storms have come and gone in my life and in those moments I have turned to God for peace. Unfortunately, this time, several storms came at once and I did not find peace at first. In fact, my stomach ached, my head hurt and the pressure of holding it together exploded every time I was alone. It was in this time, I had to take take a deep breath and ask God to wrap his arms around me while I cried out. "God, I am a survivor but really? all this at once."

The first storm started with a call. A call that was the beginning of the end of a life. From the time of the call to the end was a mere three weeks. Several conversations, a round trip drive to Vegas in a day, and a two more weeks waiting for the next call. For me, the peace was there in the beginning. I knew the day was coming and I knew I was ready for what was to come. Death was inevitable at this point. Unfortunately, some lost sight. Yes, I believe God had taken my dad to be with him. We talked about it, he assured me of his faith and his repentance. But the others, they didn't know. They didn't beleive. Their grief came in many forms-anger, sadness and guilt. Caught in the middle, I struggled to respond to each one of them. They did not find comfort and did not know what to do with their anger, their sadness or their grief. One lashed out, one cried, one shut down. And I was left working out the details.

The next storm came about the same time. This time, someone much closer to me, someone I love more than anything. Watching someone struggle through something that I have no control over is heartbreaking. There was absolutely nothing I could do. I was helpless and there was even a moment I felt hopeless. Although I know God is always watching and is faithful, I got overwhelmed throughout the day. It sometimes consumed me and my heart ached again, because there was nothing I could do. 

And then, the third storm. It seemed small in comparison but it compounded the others. When all I wanted to do was focus on one, the others distracted me, got in the way and rumbled the peace that I desparately tried to find. This one at work, this one, again, out of my control. 

Do you see a pattern here? It is when we lose control that we feel lost and overwhelmed. It is when the storms come and we have no shelter that we respond irrationally, and desparately. When we lose sight of God, we lose sight of hope. 

In these moments of despair, God was with me, if only I leaned on Him and remembered his promises, I would find His peace. I am a survivor because I remembered to turn to Him and believe in the peace and strength of a God who says, "I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm--I will come to you." And even when I feel the valley is so dark God cannot possibly see me, I am reminded by David that, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me" (Psalm 23:4 NIV). As a believer, I do not have to face the storm the same way the world does but in the midst of the storm I can find peace. I know that I am not in control so it is when I turn to Jesus, I will find peace in these things.