My Angel is Watching Over Me

For as long as I remember I was "Grammie's Little Angel."
Everyone knew it-my family and my friends.

She was always there
When my parents couldn't be,
When my life seemed to be falling apart,
In my successes and
In my sadness.

She was there
          to protect me, to love me and to care for me like no one else.

We watched movies together on a Friday night,

We ate Almond Roca and chocolate covered cherries,
We went shopping together on a Saturday afternoon,
And I packed it up to go home on Sunday.

We talked, we laughed, we cried.
         She told me stories of my grandfather I never met and my parents when they met.
         She remembered the day I was born and loved to tell me about it.

She was my safe place, I trusted her with my thoughts, my tears and my heart.
         She loved me back without condition.

She was there.
From junior high band concerts to cheering at a high school football game,
She never missed a moment.
When I danced on the football field with the drill team,
When I fell in love and when my heart broke.
When I got my first job,
When I needed to get away from home,
When I graduated,
And when I got married.

She taught me to drive,
She made my prom dress,
She helped me buy my first car and my first house.

And then one day it all changed...
I have missed her for a long time
I have missed her sarcasm and her honesty
I have missed sharing my life with her as an adult
And have missed talking, laughing, crying with her when the disease took her from me.

Hope stayed in my heart, hope she would remember and return
And I would still be "Grammie's Little Angel" one day.
We could catch up and I could comb her hair and she could tell me how proud she was of me.

But now she is gone and I only have a memory.
I miss her still and more than ever but I know
She is now my Angel and I can look forward to dancing with her in heaven.

"No more pain, no more sadness

No more suffering, no more tears

No more sin, no more sickness

No injustice, no more death

There is joy everlasting

There is gladness, there is peace

There'll be wine ever flowing

There's a wedding, there's a feast"

Matt Redman, "Because of You, There's a Place"

God is Here

This morning, while reading I came across Billy Graham's words and was reminded of why we celebrate this season. 

Truly, God works in mysterious ways. The wheels of His mercy and justice move quietly, but they do move. The birth of Jesus Christ — the Son of God, our Savior — went unnoticed by the vast majority of the world that first Christmas night, but no event in human history was more significant. May His birth — and all it means — not go unnoticed in our lives! -Billy Graham

Unfortunately, in the midst of a busy season, we get distracted by shopping and dinners and parties and we forget why we are so busy. Sometimes we build great traditions only to make them become burdens with the craziness of the days before Christmas. In the sprint and fun of the season, baking cookies, wrapping presents and dressing up for parties, let us not forget the real reason for the celebration of giving and the activity that is occurring in our lives today. 

God came as an innocent child to save us and he came quietly. He came to save us from death and give us eternity, yet we are too busy to notice. When a baby is born we get excited. We want to hold him, touch her or just simply stare at the wonder of the life that has been given to us. Let us get excited for the miraculous birth that is Jesus. Let us love one another in the way He loved us, enough to come miraculously and give sacrificially. It truly is a miracle to celebrate!

More than I expected

Today, I woke up deciding to make a change.

It started with a trip to the doctor. Yes, the doctor for an annual exam, no less. I never look forward to these trips necessarily, except to hear the latest scoop on what the doc has been up to. He is always working on a project; whether it is writing a book, speaking at a church locally or this time, starting his blog. As we shared life together in those few short moments, my decision to make a change was confirmed. I know he cares about my family, not just from a medical perspective but from a real place in his heart. You see, the doc was with us when Jacob was born and has cared for our family ever since.  He continues to see us through it all-from my post baby blues when he would ask genuinely, "How are you doing?" to first shots, high school physicals and our growth through some trying times.  In our visit and through our conversation, I was reminded and encouraged by his love to love others and to live daily focusing helping others. 

Back at home, I stopped a neighbor to catch up as we were both walking in. In just a few short moments, we shared our lives together. Not a lot of details, but a short chat to catch up. She, too, encouraged me in ways she may not have realized with her non-judgmental attitude towards others and her smile through some of her toughest experiences. 

As I set out to make a change today to love others more freely, I had received the love of others. My change wasn't about making me feel good as much as it was to share my joy with others. But it did feel good! And that is just what happens when we build communities around us with people we know and even those we don't. Just a simple "Hey Lady" to the neighbor sparked a genuine conversation and connection. We need to remember it is not about our needs but it is about loving each other and building a sense of community every where you go. It's about creating a small town around you where every one knows your name and accepts you for who you are and where you are in that moment. It's about buying magazines, candy or wrapping paper from the neighbor's kids, even if you have more than enough for the year. It's about taking time to recognize when someone is struggling and actually doing something about it.

God used my doctor and neighbor today to encourage and love on me when I set out to love others. We live in a culture that wants to isolate itself and not take responsibility for others. We think we want to be left alone and not be bothered by the knock at the door or the phone ringing. Guilty myself, I realized I have shut people out at times I needed them the most. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't want to be the lonely one. The one who was too busy to stop for a chat with the neighbor, too busy to call a friend when she may be struggling with a decision, or be so disconnected I didn't even notice when someone needed me. 

We are better together.

We need each other.

We were designed to love and be loved. 

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands cannot quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12

Joy Comes in the Morning

Having a thankful heart in the every day is sometimes hard when we are faced with the unexpected. Whether it be a freeway closure in the middle of the night sending you on a journey you hadn't planned after a long day or driving to work only to find that the peanut butter and jelly sandwich you made for your son is somehow on the front of your skirt, each of us have days where things don't seem to go as planned. 

Having a thankful heart in the every day is sometimes hard when we are faced with obstacles that seem endless. Whether it is the death of a loved one and the pain that lingers, a friend battling cancer for the past three years and it keeps coming back or a child going wayward, we each have trials we have to face.

Having a thankful heart in the every day is sometimes hard when we sense our dreams have been shattered or impossible. 

BUT if we change our perspective to a heart of gratitude instead of focusing on the things we may not be able to control, we will experience Joy. True joy is in experiencing the everyday with a new perspective. To see the troubles from a different viewpoint and see every day as a day to celebrate. Even when we are down or things aren't going our way, we can be sure that by being thankful joy will come in the morning. When we change our perspective we begin to see the beauty in the unexpected, the goodness in the obstacles, and the possibility of a new dream. 

This weekend, I was challenged to "wield the pen like a sword in the dark," so I decided to write down and share the things I am thankful for today. I will start with a top ten, and then, I challenge you to do the same.

10 reasons why I am thankful for today:

1. A God that loves me more than anyone on earth and has accepted me just the way I am, no matter what. His love is greater than I can imagine and he has given me strength when I thought life wasn't worth living, when my insecurities took over and when I was lonely. 
2. A husband who supports my every move. He stands up for me even when I may say dumb things in public, even if I may be embarrassing. He stands next to me in all my decisions. He guides our family with his love, concern and strong spirit. He loves others better than himself and he is an example of the character I want to be.
3. A son who loves others, cares for his friends and has a moral conscience that keeps him out of trouble...most of the time. He loves his dog, his grandma and grandpa, Taylor Swift. We share some of the best times of my life together. 
4. A mother who worked hard to provide a home and good school for my brother and I so that we would have a better life. One who loves her grandson with all her heart and does what ever she can to support and help him, whether it is a meal while I am still working or a place to sit and relax. 
5. A brother who is loyal and someone I can trust and call on whenever I need to and for whatever I need. 
6. A father who loved me always and even when he may not be around, I can count on that phone call he always ends with, "I love you, baby."
7. A man I call John, who loves my mother wholly, takes care of her and provides for her, and is the best grandpa my son could ever have. His love for Jacob makes me smile all the time. 
8. A grandmother who guided me, supported me and loved me like no other. She showed me what it meant to be faithful and true, what it meant to stand up for I believed in even if she didn't agree. 
9. A grandmother (I am fortunate to have two!) who took time to know what I love. She shares fresh tomatoes and cucumbers; she makes my clothes fit perfectly and she teaches me strength through her life.
10. A grandfather who has since gone to be with the Lord who taught me what it means to be an American, one who never held back on what he believed.
11. I have just one more...A friend who may never know how much I love her and care about her. She accepts me as I am with my outbursts, quirks and strange behavior on a daily basis and I know she doesn't always or ever get me but she's ok with that, too. 

Pure Joy...and this is only the beginning! I would love to see your list and hear about your joy.

"His goodness and mercy will follow you all the days of your life."

Inspired by Ann Voscamp

Grace Changes Everything

I have a clean driving record yet have been pulled over a few times. Each time, I know I deserve a ticket but for some reason, I am waived on. Years ago, I had returned a credit card machine from our business to the company and they never received it. As a result, they charged us a significant amount of money for the product. Because I hadn't mailed it with a delivery receipt, they had every right to charge me. When I called the woman on the phone, she apparently heard the stress in my voice and waived the fee.

Interestingly enough, as much as I have received grace, I have not always given it freely. In fact, I am a rule follower and have thought that anyone who didn't follow the rules deserved what they got. If your assignment is late, you get docked points; if you speed; you get a ticket; pay late, pay a fee; you get the point.

In the last year, I have come to realize that grace changes everything. Accepting God's grace has given me the freedom to love others more and appreciate those around me for who they are. For many years, a situation I had thought had been buried and let go, continued to resurface. Trying to forget it wasn't working so I had to face it, forgive it and extend grace on the situation. Over and over, every time I forgive and extend grace, more peace comes. Letting go of what I think is "fair" has inevitably made a difference in my attitude towards others. Grace is a "gift that brings joy" and I finally feel that joy. We all make mistakes and even hurt each other deeply, but if we continue to hold a grudge or want others to pay for what they did, we will never experience true joy. Accepting grace and extending grace closes gaps in relationships and allows you to have the freedom to love more fully and live the very good life.

Hanging On

Sometimes in life, we are caught by a storm that takes us by surprise. Other times, we see it coming and  the best we can do is run for shelter. In my life, I have had my fair share of storms but every time, I come out of one, I'd like to think I am a little stronger and a little wiser. Unfortunately, the one thing I still haven't mastered is "the worry," when the storm comes. My dance in the storm is more like an angry polka, or an uncoordinated salsa. Anyone else with me here? For some reason, I see the storm coming and I panic. My mind starts spiraling into all the worse case scenarios and I start making plans on how to stop it. I build up such anticipation and fear of the unknown outcome. Then, I pray for peace and wisdom. Funny! The first thing I should be doing is the last thing I do. In those moments of giving it to God, I trust and take the attention off myself and the storm seems to take on a new form. As time goes on and I trust more, the storms seem to pass a little quicker than they did before. The next day and even months, as things actually play out, God answers.

Yesterday, I was on a run and heard this song by Tate Stevens (you can laugh, Rebecca!) and it reminded me to hang on in those tough moments of life. Sometimes,


"You gotta ride it out
You gotta finish strong
Grab it by the reins and just hang on
Dig your heels in, pull your hat down
When it starts to spin
You just ride it out."

Not only was I thinking I gotta ride out this run (because face it, running is dreadful) but I gotta ride out whatever else I may be faced with, because storms will come and go throughout our lives. Riding it out doesn't necessarily mean we sit back and wait, but we hang on. We hang on to the reins of hope and peace and to the things that really matter. Whatever storm you may face, eventually it will pass. As you are riding it out, enjoy the moments of God's grace and mercy on your life. 

Everyone has a Story

I scrapbook. I am pretty sure it started when I was in junior high. My friends and I took pictures wherever we went and posted them in photo albums with silly captions, cutting out the silhouettes of each other. With "Throwback Thursday" I'm sure you've seen my hair in a cheer picture or me in a  silly prom dress on Facebook. If you haven't seen them, I haven't changed a bit, except for maybe the hair. The invention of the straightener saved me from being stuck in the 80's forever.

As I got older, I still cut out pictures, but now I have a fancy term for it, "crop." I still write captions but now call it, "journaling." My scrapbooks no longer contain the dead flowers from prom night or the ticket stubs from a concert, but pictures of people and places I have been with stories I don't want to forget. Stories are told through each photo and each journal entry reminding me I was a free-spirited teen who loved to dress up for spirit days or shove myself in a shopping cart with five of my closest friends and push it through the neighborhood. When I look back it reminds me of best friends, backpacking for the first time...for a week, road trips to Arizona to see a band, and families I shared dinners with more times than I can count. It is nostalgic and I am reminded how many people have influenced my life throughout the years. Some of those memories fade away as we live our lives and make new friends, losing contact with those who seemed they would always be there, but the pictures and stories remind us that we mattered and had a place in this world.

I started scrapbooking as a child because I wanted to keep those memories alive forever, thinking they were the most important of days. I didn't learn it anywhere, I just did it. Maybe we all did it. I still have albums that won't close because they are stuffed with notes from friends, corsages, certificates, ribbons, and other random stuff I just couldn't throw away at the time.

As an adult, I scrapbooked for similar reasons but my stories were intended to be passed down to my son, Jacob; never did I think there would be a far more important reason. After the books started piling up, I realized no wife of his is going to want to take on all of these. What will ever happen to them? I enjoyed the creativity and the good times with friends, so I let it go and kept creating. It was in 2008, I think, I came to realize my scrapbooking hobby was for us, for our family, and had been since 1995.

Stay with me, I am going somewhere with this...

Through the years, we often have looked through the books and remembered the annual trips to the water park, the fair, Disneyland and the park. Every summer looked the same, but physically we were changing. Camping trips with friends, vacations together and holidays with family filled my books, along with stories of who brought the homemade pie, who won the watermelon eating contest AGAIN, and who visited that summer. Jacob laughs at his dad in a cowboy hat with hair on our wedding day, requests I take out some pictures of him and wonders why mom is wearing that. Rob looked at them, too. Unlike a lot of my friends albums, mine are tattered and torn in places.

It was 2008, I learned something that changed my life forever and made every page in my album more important than it ever was before. When Rob told me he had lost his memory, I was in shock. I had no idea how to respond. Ironically, I don't remember what I said but I know a lot of ideas went spiraling through my mind. The car accident was in 1995! He didn't have amnesia or some disease, but a complete memory loss. Weird, huh? Of course, there is much more to that story, but that's his story  My story is how important those photo albums became once I realized he used them to live day to day. The stories told him who people were, what we had done, where we had been, and most importantly, that I was his wife. The pictures of the same faces showed him who mattered in our lives and why. The memories didn't come back, but as time went on and he recognized the faces on a camping trip or when he was approached in the local grocery store, it was a little easier. And since he was still living with me, he was building new memories.

We, or should I say, I, have somewhat learned how to live with this loss and our lives are different because of it. A few days ago, Rob said to me, "we are not conventional, but we have it pretty good." Our lives have been re-formed in a way others don't understand and quite frankly, they may think we are weird at times, but through this experience

Rob has taught me

to live freely,

to respond immediately to a call,

to make decisions and don't look back,

to treat others selflessly,

to take risks, 

to continue writing our story

and

to wake up every day and decide to be my best.

Believe me, there is much more, but nonetheless, I have learned to "dance in the rain." I may not always be good at it, but I know there is a story that I didn't write and we are part of it.

God had a plan for us from the beginning and our story now continues.

Facing My Fear

Writing started as an escape, a way to handle what was going on around me on a day to day basis. From the time, I put the pencil in my hand, I was in love. The freedom to explore my thoughts, my ideas and my struggles as life worked it's way around me. I cry when I write, I laugh, I stop, I think. Writing gives me a place to discover and explore what I am thinking and what I want to say. I rehearse on the page.

My audience used to be myself, my God and anyone who violated my space, snuck in my room and read my words (they think I don't know). Today, I am ready, ready to share, ready to laugh out loud and cry with those who may need encouragement. I often have thought that I have nothing to say of interest to anyone. I mean, who really cares about what I have to say? Contradictory to everything I tell my writers, I, myself, hide behind a journal. Today, I am ready...I think...to share a piece of my story with you. To follow my own lead as a writer and teacher of writing. To write for a real audience.

My purpose now is to encourage anyone who may struggle with what life throws at them. To show my readers that my God is a God who answers and protects, in ALL circumstances. I am only who I am and where I am today because of a decision. A decision to follow God with all my heart, mind and soul.

My encouragement comes from a good friend, one who believes "everyone has a story."

Today is a new beginning for me and I hope you will follow me on my journey (as scary as it is, even right now).