24 and 21 years, it's just time

It hasn't been easy. I read the police report again today and it said the man went into a diabetic coma and didn't even stop when he hit the rear left tire that sent my husband flipping around across the overpass at Christianitos Road. It wasn't until he hit a bank back on the freeway a mile or so up. He didn't even know what had happened.

I don't remember too many details of that day, except that I was picked up at the campground in a police car with a female office who wouldn't say a word. At the hospital I sat in the waiting room for hours not knowing what was going on. My brother with me, neither of us said much for the time we were there. Someone finally called to see what was going on and asked to talk to the nurse for me. A little while later, I went into ICU and he was strapped to a board and dazed. We didn't say much to each other, he couldn't move and was barely alert. The doctors didn't tell me anything, or at least I don't remember them saying his jaw was dislocated, his arm and shoulder had lacerations or even that he was struggling to remember anything.

We were at the hospital for a long time and I have no idea what happened that weekend. Our stuff at the campground, getting home. It was my first year teaching and I had to call in and didn't know how so I called the principal while I was there. I took Monday off. And maybe Tuesday.

Twenty one years later, we just celebrated twenty four years since our wedding day, but for Rob, it is only twenty one. That day changed everything. I got a new husband and he woke up with a wife. He didn't leave, although he may have wanted to wondering how the heck he ended up with me. He probably figured this was his life, so he stuck around and tried figuring it out. His mouth was wired shut for a few months so he had a lot of time to observe. To watch people come and visit him. Our friends at the time and little did they or I know, he had no idea who we were. Eventually, they moved on and it was just us. And after that he thought he had me fooled. But I knew something was different. Even years later, his parents came for the first time and they noticed. We started over, sorta. We made new friends, we opened a business, we changed churches...over and over again.

But regardless of all this, I loved him from the day I married him and love him more today than ever before. We've been through a lot together, he and I. Secrets for years of the memory loss and brain damage but I have never stopped loving him. No accident, no memory loss, no change in behavior altered how I felt about the love we had, even if he didn't fully grasp it. I knew God had me here to love and be faithful to him from the beginning. He is still Rob, the guy with compassion for others, who is kind and does things to makes others comfortable. The guy who is often misunderstood but loves anyway. The dad who would do anything for his son. The husband who wants the best for his wife.

Life sometimes takes a turn on us and we don't expect it. Maybe we had a dream of a career that went a different direction. Maybe we thought we would have kids, only to find out we can't. Maybe we wanted to live in a big house overlooking the ocean only to find that the job we have doesn't allow it. No matter what I have ever wanted in life, God has always given me far more than I could ever imagine.

My "new" husband in 1995, changed who I was. He made me love more, have more faith, and he taught me about perspective and living life every day the best you can. To be your best even when others suck. Even when circumstances aren't what you want. To appreciate the day we have and the time we get each day because we know more than anyone that today could be the last.

The story of Naomi and Ruth reminds me that our circumstances aren't always what we planned. Both of these women had a loss and one was young and could go on without the other but she stuck by her. I love the trust and care Ruth has in Naomi and her willingness to stay by her side in this time.

"But Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severly, if even death separates you and me. When Naomi realizes that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her."

Ruth 1: 16-18

Looking for a Challenge? Try this Uphill Battle

It's probably been three or four years since I have hit Skyline trailhead in Corona but this time was much different.

Only three of us showed up this week for our run, and I hope it wasn't my pick of trails. Although everyone else knew what we were in for except me. First of all, the trailhead and parking is much better now that they have paved a way behind the houses and a street provides all the parking. And it's free! It's probably been this way for a while but I hadn't been here in a few years or so. The first time, it was a family bonding event with my brother and his family as we "hiked" it with a stroller in tow talking about the latest of events in our lives. Strenuous I remember, but not too much to handle that day.

Running, though. Much different approach to this trail. Bonnie and Robert knew it and had run it quite a few times. Robert even reminisced about the days when you could drive to the top and as we ran this day, we did see a car off the cliff in the depths of the hills. With chains and gates, I am not sure how it got there but some people are still finding ways to drive it. The road is big enough for a car, but is limited to cyclists, runners and walkers. Get there early if you don't want to walk to the trailhead. Cars were already lined up halfway down Foothill Parkway by 6:30 am.

Once you hit the path off of Foothill Parkway, the trailhead is about a mile up a paved road behind some houses. Once you get to the trail, you simply climb upward with some hairpin turns and relentless elevation. On the trail, it is busy with walkers and a few runners for the first mile or so but they start to taper off after that. As you climb, you will see more cyclists working their way up only later to pass you on their way down.

About three miles up, it gets a bit rocky but still a moderate run path for the most part. The challenge of this trail was in the uphill climb. There is absolutely no break in elevation or any flat areas to the doppler. But if you slow down a bit in the early morning you can catch a beautiful sunrise and views of the Inland Empire and San Gabriel Mountains. The morning was warm already but the views were worth it. We took the road up about four miles and headed back down. The sun was hot and your legs start to burn when you run uphill that many miles. I am still lagging a bit behind everyone but I am hanging in there, hoping to hit a growth spurt in speed and distance in the next few weeks.

Once we headed down, we flew. I flew so much that at some point, I was afraid I would trip over my feet when my legs seemed to slow down. I am pretty sure we got to the bottom in half the time. And as always, everyone enjoyed the run and wanted to return.

Another one on the books with 11 more weeks to go!

Ragnar hits the Road in Anaheim

I nearly died at seven miles, but we kept going until we hit ten. My sister-in-law is an animal and pushed me to the end. Don't get me wrong, this is not a difficult trail by any means. It is actually pretty flat and not so challenging at all, except for the distance and possibly the heat, if you aren't ready for it.

The team met up a Yorba Regional Park, Anaheim, at 6:30 am. to run the Santa Ana River trail. Against my wishes, they fight me for an earlier time every week. Something about the heat and the humidity. But all I can think of is, it is Saturday for goodness sakes. Needless to say, they win. We all drive a distance to meet up, but this was a little closer so I didn't have to get up too early.

When you arrive, the park is already bustling on a Saturday in July with cyclist, runners, and dog walkers. When we pull in I have a chance to spark up a conversation with a lady getting ready to head out on a ride. This particular morning, she was heading out with her team for 75 miles. Eeeek! Not only was she riding 75 miles, she was making three loops to do it. I don't know about you, but I don't enjoy the hamster wheel. The same scenery, the same ride, three times in a row? I probably would have to stop at 25 or take a different route for more. On the other hand, I think the route is to the beach and back. I may be tempted to just stop at the beach for awhile and return the loop later in the day. Have lunch, enjoy the sun, relax a bit.

Good for me, I wasn't taking that route, but I did see her on my run about an hour or so later. She nearly ran me over with her bike. Of course, you could take the same run to the beach, but we weren't up for a 25-miler that day. It seems each week, the team wavers between 8-10 miles depending on where we are and who has to be where later in the day.

On this particular day, I don't think we ever decided how far we would go, we simply hit the ground running away from the beach on the Santa Ana River trail. The route is pretty easy to follow but you do have some choices along the road. As I am writing this, the city is doing some construction so there are some detours that lead you to the roadside for a few miles. They have put a barrier on the side to keep runners, walkers and cyclist safe from the traffic but the trail itself was quite busy even at 6:30 in the morning. Local high school cross country teams were running, in addition to, moms with strollers, individuals and other groups like ours.

Once you turn up and over a small hill, you veer left off the road where the trail takes you into Canyon RV park nestled in Featherly Wilderness Preserve in the heart of Santa Ana Canyon. The scenery is quite beautiful at this point. It weaves in and through trees and greenery down to the Pacific Ocean in Huntington Beach if you choose to go farther. We turned around at about five miles in to complete a ten miler for the day.

My near death experience wasn't because of the trail but because on a Saturday in July, I decided not to carry water and may have been a bit dehydrated. The sun beat down on us most of the run, until you hit the campground. If you like road runs, some may think this one to be boring but I enjoyed the fresh air in the canyon, and on another day, may have gone a little further to enjoy the scenery. It is an easy flat trail with some shade and cooler breezes but it does take a few miles to get to it when you leave from the park.

It's not God's fault

"What looks like a setback is really God setting you up to get you to the fullness of your destiny."-Joel Olsteen

It is in the dark of the night that thoughts haunt me and the world doesn't seem fair. It is in the wee hours of the morning that I shake my fist at God asking him why. I had surrendered it all to Him and it still went bad. How could this happen? Was I not faithful enough? Did I not love enough? My biggest fears play out right in front of me while all I can do is watch and listen. Days turned into weeks turned into months and years. I didn't want to believe, I didn't want to see what was right in front of me the entire time. And then like a bomb, it crashed. I felt it and I knew it, but never confronted it directly.

Things changed after that. I tried to find answers only to get more angry. My thoughts spiraled out of control and I started to believe Satan's lies, building on the hurt in my heart that moved to a physical disability in my gut. Satan had his grip on me telling me lies, testing my faith. I had been faithful, so much that he attacked and God let him. Why God? Why have you forsaken me? It was a battle of the spirit and I was losing. I was letting him get a hold of me, shaking my faith. The only thing I knew to be true. Surrendered it all! And now what?

What do we do when we feel like our trust in God was all in vain? When the single most important decision you ever made failed you? No scripture, no song, no sermon could get me back. I ignored the songs, I stopped reading and I stopped listening. It seemed to me more lies.

And then I realized that it's man's free will that was shaken, not my faith. Things could have been better and my attitude was not always spot on even though I had surrendered it all. I hadn't loved like Jesus and I had been focused on the wrong goals, so my life got shaken up. And instead of changing my attitude, I continued to be angry. I let things happen instead of speaking up. I convinced myself that giving it to God was enough. But I didn't listen to him and take action. Sometimes we have to do more than pray and sadly, I have learned this the hard way.

It doesn't just look like a "setback," I let it be one. But now as I come to realize that it isn't God but the world around me full of insecurities and selfish ambitions, I can move forward. The world sucks sometimes and no matter how much faith you have, God allows the world to turn as it will. He allows us free will and along with that, everyone makes their own decisions. Believers fall. Believers lack judgement. Insecurities cause people to stumble, to hurt, to let go of what they know is right, even with their faith in God.

But this is not my swan song, I am picking myself up and moving on. Sometimes we have to shake it off and reset to have the fullness of the life God wanted for us. If we continue to wallow in our sadness, we lose. Did you hear that, we lose. I lose. No one else. While others move on, we are are sometimes left to pick up the pieces of the mess they left behind. And although it isn't right, we don't have to be victims to the world's lack of judgement and insecurity. If we continue to hold on to the anger and the pain, we only hurt ourselves and never see our full potential in this life. As Andy Andrews says, "The bad news is that the past was in your hands, but the good news is that the future , my friend, is also in your hands."

I will not hold on to the lies of the world.
I will not allow the world to shake what I know to be true.

Because from this moment, I will live a life of love, peace and joy.

"In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:6

Two girls, a Truck and a Trailer

Two girls, a truck and a trailer headed up the mountain for some training runs. A simple spontaneous suggestion to get a site turned into one of the best overnights on Big Bear Lake. A few days before, a friend of mine said let’s go up the mountain for a training run. We can take the trailer and do some hiking and running. As much as I have been on the mountain, I have only actually camped a few times. Once with my neighbors in San Gorgonio where bears lurked outside of our tent and scavenged through the red vines and hamburger buns left out from dinner, and the other time at Green Valley Lake to try out our new tent.

So, this time I set out to book Green Valley again, no bears for this girl. But when I searched the mountain and saw that Serrano was on the North side of the lake near trails, I booked it.  I always get a little nervous when I book campsites because you never know what you will get. But this was exactly what these two girls needed to get away for a night.

We arrived around noon with the horse trailer in tow. As you can imagine, two girls in a truck backing in a trailer, we had a lot of observers. But Jeanne killed it! First time, no adjusting, just pull in, back it up, set it up. I was impressed. A few minutes later, we were out, unpacked and eating some lunch. Heading out the campground by foot, we trekked over to the Cougar Crest trail, a five-mile hike round trip to the Pacific Coast Trail and back. The afternoon was perfect with the sun shining over the lake and the view from the top reminded me how small I was in this big world. This is God’s country and I am only one piece in the big picture.

As the sun was setting, a quick trip to Starbucks on the South side of the lake had us sitting with some locals for some coffee and tea, chatting about dogs, tents and what is important in life.

The next morning we headed out to the Alpine Pedal Trail for a run. Don’t be fooled by the name, yes, there are some bike riders, but we saw more running and dog walking. From the campground, we hit the trail and headed out to the Stanfield bridge. Only a few miles out, we decided to run towards town and found ourselves on the Wildlife Reserve running across bridges and into trails. As the sun came out, it was pretty warm but the view can’t be beat.

For an overnight trip, this was perfect! From Serrano, we never had to get back in the car to hike the hills or run the lake on road and trail. Starbucks was a treat, but definitely not necessary.

God is good to me. After a pretty sucky year, I am so thankful for the gifts of friendship, nature and love he continually provides me every day. He surprises me every morning and throughout my day with small wonders.

Keep an eye out and you will see his miracles and mercy, too. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. 

A view from the trail. There's a bench to take a break if you want to breathe in the big picture. 

Addiction

Addiction is real.

If you have ever loved an addict, you know the pain it causes every day. The saddest part is they have no idea that they pain they feel is only part of the pain that you feel when have to sit back helplessly watching them destroy relationships, jobs and themselves. Their. Entire. Life.

If you know me, you know I draw a hard line on alcohol, tobacco and most forms of drugs, including over the counter stuff. Some people have thought it was my faith in God and others may know a little of my story and make a connection, but the reality is, I believe some of us are prone to addiction.

Myself, included. And I fight it, but
I see it when I work until I can't stay up any longer;
I see it in when I run through an injury to prove myself;
I see it when our family schedule is so packed we are eating out every night;
I see it in almost anything I set out to do.

But I fight it.
I fight to keep balance.

So...I don't drink. I don't smoke. Because I am afraid. The reality is no one sets out to be an addict, but eventually, one thing leads to another and you find yourself depressed and lonely.

Addicts often don't realize they are addicts. But you recognize them when they are always late for the party. Or they call to cancel at the last minute because they don't feel well. They often leave early. They promise to bring something and simply forget. They say things, do things and believe things that are just plain wrong. They feel sorry for themselves. They cry, they laugh, they yell-all in the same hour.

And those who love an addict
cry for them,
yell at them,
say mean things back to them,
cry for them,
worry about them,
make excuses for them,
and feel helpless.

For years I was angry, but eventually came to realize that just like other relationships, when one person is fixated on a problem, the only one hurting is the affected. The addict doesn't care about me, any more than the friend that betrayed me. They are the same. They both move on, while I am left picking up the pieces of my own sadness and guilt. They call is a disease, but seriously, Cancer is a disease, Alzheimers is a disease, Parkinson's is a disease; alcoholism and drug abuse is a choice.

If you are someone who knows an addict, I encourage you to let go of your anger and your fear. The children, the wife or husband, the mother and father of an addict, have to create a boundary for their feelings and responses. Love them, forgive them, pray for them, and know you are not in control and ultimately, it is their choice to make a change.

Romans 12:20

I believe that your life must be blessed through forgiving others. Would you like to choose to forgive for the benefit of others? Maybe your decisions can bring an opportunity of redemption for others.

Week 2: Surf City USA

Week 2 training for Ragnar is on! This week, we headed out to good ol’ 9^th street in Huntington Beach, CA. Not unfamiliar to me, or any of my boot camp girls, running PCH never disappoints. With a paved trail and the sand and ocean on your side, you can’t go wrong with this run and in this case, my team. I absolutely love that we all just show up with no question and it is not until we sync our running apps and turn up the volume on the headphones, does someone pop the question, “How far are we going?” Eyes shift and we all make a joke or two about getting to breakfast, but we are ready to hit the ground running. Six sounds good.

Today, the sun was hidden, as it typically is in the early morning, but it hasn’t stopped So Cal to come out to play. Seven am and you would think it was lunch hour on the trail. People walking, running, biking; kids begging mom to come to the water to play; families trekking across the trail with ice chests and easy ups to save a spot at the fire pit for the family reunion. Just what you would expect at the beach on a Saturday in July! But there was more as we shuffled our feet towards Newport Beach. Volleyball tournaments, surfing contests, lifeguard trainings and a street fair to busy the roads, the sand and even the parking lots.

Stopping to take a few pics, I found myself overwhelmed by everything that was going on. After the first mile or so, I realized we have two types of runners in our group today; the one who watches three feet in front of him to make sure he doesn’t trip or run into someone and the one who can’t stop looking. I’ll call the first one, “the fast and furious” runner, the one who moves swiftly through the crowds, dodging walkers and kids, and listens to the beat of her music while working towards a consistent pace. He is focused on getting to the finish line, getting his heart rate up and beating his own time. While the other, I will call “the distracted and dangerous” runner, the one who slows his pace when something catches his eye, picks up his pace when she realizes her team is at least a half mile ahead, stops for a photo, cheers on the seniors as they run past her, engages in small talk with a man who sits with his backpack and is amazed by the early morning hustle and excitement this day already has started. She sees things, hears things, smells things and takes it all in. When the run is over, she can appreciate the man walking his bull mastiff, or the women who chat with friends while taking a morning walk, or the family setting up for the day. When the run is over, she wants to go back because the ocean calms and running excites.

As a child, I spent many days with friends, sno cones and jack in the box on the south side of the pier.  But one thing I took for granted was that I live this close to a place that brings peace and energy, and promises that I can do anything I want. Whether you are the “fast and furious” or the “distracted and dangerous” runner, you can go 1 mile or 20, and along this trail, you will always have a different experience.

Depending on the race you want to win that day, choose your inner runner. Sometimes we need to go fast, but sometimes we need to slow down and simply enjoy the noise.

Psalm 96:11

Let the heavens rejoice; let the earth be glad; let the sea resound, and all that is within it.