"What looks like a setback is really God setting you up to get you to the fullness of your destiny."-Joel Olsteen
It is in the dark of the night that thoughts haunt me and the world doesn't seem fair. It is in the wee hours of the morning that I shake my fist at God asking him why. I had surrendered it all to Him and it still went bad. How could this happen? Was I not faithful enough? Did I not love enough? My biggest fears play out right in front of me while all I can do is watch and listen. Days turned into weeks turned into months and years. I didn't want to believe, I didn't want to see what was right in front of me the entire time. And then like a bomb, it crashed. I felt it and I knew it, but never confronted it directly.
Things changed after that. I tried to find answers only to get more angry. My thoughts spiraled out of control and I started to believe Satan's lies, building on the hurt in my heart that moved to a physical disability in my gut. Satan had his grip on me telling me lies, testing my faith. I had been faithful, so much that he attacked and God let him. Why God? Why have you forsaken me? It was a battle of the spirit and I was losing. I was letting him get a hold of me, shaking my faith. The only thing I knew to be true. Surrendered it all! And now what?
What do we do when we feel like our trust in God was all in vain? When the single most important decision you ever made failed you? No scripture, no song, no sermon could get me back. I ignored the songs, I stopped reading and I stopped listening. It seemed to me more lies.
And then I realized that it's man's free will that was shaken, not my faith. Things could have been better and my attitude was not always spot on even though I had surrendered it all. I hadn't loved like Jesus and I had been focused on the wrong goals, so my life got shaken up. And instead of changing my attitude, I continued to be angry. I let things happen instead of speaking up. I convinced myself that giving it to God was enough. But I didn't listen to him and take action. Sometimes we have to do more than pray and sadly, I have learned this the hard way.
It doesn't just look like a "setback," I let it be one. But now as I come to realize that it isn't God but the world around me full of insecurities and selfish ambitions, I can move forward. The world sucks sometimes and no matter how much faith you have, God allows the world to turn as it will. He allows us free will and along with that, everyone makes their own decisions. Believers fall. Believers lack judgement. Insecurities cause people to stumble, to hurt, to let go of what they know is right, even with their faith in God.
But this is not my swan song, I am picking myself up and moving on. Sometimes we have to shake it off and reset to have the fullness of the life God wanted for us. If we continue to wallow in our sadness, we lose. Did you hear that, we lose. I lose. No one else. While others move on, we are are sometimes left to pick up the pieces of the mess they left behind. And although it isn't right, we don't have to be victims to the world's lack of judgement and insecurity. If we continue to hold on to the anger and the pain, we only hurt ourselves and never see our full potential in this life. As Andy Andrews says, "The bad news is that the past was in your hands, but the good news is that the future , my friend, is also in your hands."
I will not hold on to the lies of the world.
I will not allow the world to shake what I know to be true.
Because from this moment, I will live a life of love, peace and joy.
"In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:6
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