Law and Grace

I am a rule follower. And I want everyone else to be one, too. I google map directions and trust they will get me to my destination; I read the instructions for almost everything I buy. I look up the same recipes I have made for years and follow the directions. My trust is that it will work right if I simply follow the directions. If you are like me, you are probably thinking right now, so what's wrong with that? People should follow directions and do things the right way. The problem is, I will mistake rules for law.

Law-the only way to do something. The right way. No other way can work. 

Stick to the rules. We live in a society that is much like this, and more often than not we are controlled by the rules of others. Of course, some rules protect us, while some rules protect those around us. They keep order.

But,

Sometimes, rules need to be broken.

Sometimes, a circumstance arrives that we don't expect. 

Sometimes, we need a little grace.

Grace-gettng what we don't deserve. Loving beyond the rules.

Grace is when we give up our rules and we extend something undeserved. Several years ago, our business was struggling and I had sent something back to a company. Weeks after I sent it back, they continued to bill me. I called every day to see if they received it. Finally, after a few months, I got a woman on the phone who listened to me. I told her when I sent it, that I didn't track it and now it was missing. The item was costly and we didn't have the money at that time to replace what was lost. Patiently, the woman on the other end said simply, "don't worry about it, I'll take care of it." At that moment, a huge burden was lifted and I hung up the phone with tears streaming down my face. This was a company who wanted their product back and I was a consumer claiming I had returned it. There was no tracking, no confirmation that it was sent and it was her word against mine. Whether or not she believed me didn't matter but she extended grace in my time of need. She broke the rules.  

I could tell countless items when a friend extended grace to me, but I, myself, struggle when my expectations are let down. But with grace, we assume the best in others and we live a life more selflessly than before. We overlook the situation and love on those around us. When we love others, grace is easy. 

Grace. Something undeserved. Something we all need from time to time. 

                                  “Do everything in love.”  1 Corinthians 16:14 NIV

Bring it on 2016

2015 wasn't my best year and I recently said to my husband, "it can only get better from here." Although I want to believe this, sometimes it is hard to move on from loss, disappointments and other struggles we encounter. As a teacher, I look forward to a break and when Christmas time comes around I get excited about unwinding a bit from the chaos I encounter on a daily basis. I want to sleep in a little, take the dog for a walk, spend a little more time with God each day, catch up on some reading and spend time with the family. This year, I did get to do some of these things but the stress of the year caught up to me as soon as break started and I was down for the first week and a half. With a headache that wouldn't quit and a bad attitude, life Had snuck up on me. With the adrenaline of working long days, I hadn't noticed I was falling apart.

Life this year has to be different for me. I lost focus on what was most important and let the world get the best of me. Little things started to bother me and the people I love got the worst of me. The pressures of circumstances I encountered built up and made me sick and I didn't even notice. For someone who loves health and fitness, this seemed out of place. I eat well and workout regularly but I wasn't taking care of my heart and mind the way I needed to. 

Even if you aren't a teacher, you may be going back to work tomorrow after a long weekend or a few extra days off. This year, focus on taking care of yourself in whatever way you need to. For some of us, it is a renewal of heart and mind. Maybe you've let negative thoughts take over and need to be reminded of God's grace and mercy. Let Him renew your mind and bring clarity. Others may want to focus on on something external. Our bodies are important and setting goals to lose weight or get more rest may be necessary. Maybe you have a physical illness that needs some attention. Get to the doctor or take it easy for a few days. Whatever it is you are looking forward to this year, know that you are capable of tackling any challenge ahead of you. 

Most of us know that resolutions don't stick. The gym will be packed for the next few weeks and then back to normal before February. Some will vow not to drink something or eat something or do something they have been trying to do for years to only fall flat sometime mid-March. But the reality is, none of that matters. Instead, try focusing on one day at a time. Wake up and decide to be your best every day and if you fall, get up again and start over. 

This verse comes from a song we used to sing in my high school youth group and I loved it. Today, the simplicity of it is reminder that God is the only one who can make me pure and renewed. 

        “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10 NIV

Love others, Give Opportunity, Judge Not

For years, I was angry at the homeless. Angry they wouldn't get a job, angry they would stare at me sitting in my car at the freeway exit, angry they wouldn't imply do something different to change their path in life. But that all changed one weekend in Boston.

It was a few years ago now, but my dad was suspected to be dying from cancer. We had heard he had been through chemo and was in a hospital. Throughout the years, many stories were told about liver cancer, adventures and brawls, but this time I knew it was different. It was a calling of a spiritual kind, one I had never experienced before. Driving to pick up my son from grandma's I could see my dad's face and I knew I needed to go to see him. Just a few weeks later, my brother and I were on a plane to Boston with only an address. My dad didn't know we were coming and if he did, he may have told us not to. He was sick.

Arriving in Boston, we went straight to the address in a pretty rough part of the city. As we drove into the neighbor, people stared and kept an eye on us. We approached the building without a code to get in and I peeked in the window. I called his name, with my brother behind me, worried about what would happen next. Finally, someone let us in and we found the "apartment," only to knock several times without an answer. I called "dad" again and again thinking it might take him a few minutes to get the door. After repeated knocks and no answer, a young boy comes down the stairs and tells us he called the ambulance the day before when the man we were looking for couldn't get up the steps of the building.

Now what? Find the nearest hospital. In downtown Boston, there were several but we knew of one he had been to before, so we headed over there only to find they were closed for the weekend under strict surveillance. No one was getting in. Eventually, we managed to get the security guard to hear our story. In a nutshell, "we came from California, we are here for our dad, and he might be sick."

By the next morning, we were in and sitting in a secluded room away from security and the red tape we passed through to get there. He was sick and weak and looked as if he were dying any day. He was gentle and honest about his life-where he had been, what he had done and where he was at that moment. He loved us and it was clear on his face. He had been places I never have imagined or would want to be. He made friends, he was lonely. He enjoyed the simple, yet had a hard life. He made choices that took him away from us, but here we were now. And in this moment, he was still my dad, frail and weak, and I loved him. He needed to know that, and he needed a second chance at life.

Homelessness is a disease. We could argue it is a man or woman's choice, and in many cases it may be, but there are two things I know: 1. In no way, is it my place to judge where people have been or the choices they have made; and 2. It is my responsibility to give so that others have the opportunity to be better. I have to trust that giving and loving is because that is what I am called to do, regardless of the response I get. We worry about them using our money for beer and drugs. We complain they will never get off the streets. We avoid making eye contact at the freeway exit. But in reality, none of that matters. What matters is you do what your heart leads you to do regardless of what the receiver chooses.

My dad lived on the streets and in month-stay motels for a few more years while in remission. We talked occasionally on the phone and I was planning to visit him again. He still drank beer, probably panhandled to get it, or maybe used his social security check, but either way, he was my dad. I used to be embarrassed by his life choices, but today, I understand that sometimes life takes a turn on you that you don't expect and you end up somewhere you wouldn't have chosen. We met again in a hospital in Vegas for the last time last Spring. I will never forget the way he looked at me, the way he always looked at me with love and sadness mixed together. He knew it was his time this was it.

Jumping on a plane to Boston with an ambiguous plan taught me more about the life of a homeless man and opened my heart to those that live life out in a way we don't always understand. But in those moments when I knew I needed to see him again, it was to tell him it was ok and he could have a do-over.

Each man and woman has a story. Whether or not, homelessness was a choice, it is lonely, dark and sometimes scary.

This year, our family has decided to be part of a bigger project of putting together bags filled with basic necessities for the homeless in Long Beach, a neighborhood only a few miles from where we live. A few years ago, I never would have considered helping the homeless because of my own dad, but today, because of a trip to Boston, I will give so that others have an opportunity to be better.

Cherish the Sound of the Busy Tone

I remember sitting in the hallway of the old dairy home with a long phone cord so my mom wouldn't hear me on the other end. Continuing to dial and redial a friend to chat about the latest, only to hear..."beep.beep.beep." on the other end. I was persistent and wanted to talk to her. But she had no idea that while her mom was chatting it up with a relative on the other end, I was desperately trying to reach her. Back in the day, things were different. Back in the day, we waited patiently and the burden of what we wanted was our own. We decided when we called, contacted or made a visit. No one knew we were coming or trying to call, so we had to decide what was important. We made conscious decisions about our time and energy with others. The burden was on us. 

Today, the priority and burden has shifted. Today, we get a message and boom! the ball is now in their court. Our day starts with checking messages-emails, texts, social media-whatever it is that drives your personal and professional life. And the funny thing is, we expect a response....NOW! We are now driven by others rather than our own efforts to make contact. At work, often an email will come through at 9 am while I am teaching class. An email I don't see and then I get a phone call a few minutes after it was sent asking if I saw it. 

In the past year, I have learned a lot about boundaries. Boundaries can save us from a relationship, save us from a job, or save us from a past hurt. They also can protect from being conformed to the standards of a selfish world. People will demand things from you all day long but you have to decide which of those things are most important. Often, we have a need to please others and nurture those around us. We put others before us, leading us to unhealthy habits of not taking care of our health and well-being. We skip a workout, grab a fast bite in between a client, or come home too exhausted to do something we love. We worry about things that are out of their control and eventually, we have lost focus of what is most important. God loves us all and wants us to be our best but we cannot do that when we let text messages, emails and social media demand our attention and expectations. 

Every morning I get up early enough to read and pray before the day. If I am lucky, I may squeeze in a run before getting ready for work. During that time, I do not check email, or messages. My focus is on what God has for me for the day and the wisdom I can gain by being in His presence. I want to live my life with purpose and commitment to what's really important and not be driven by the demands of others. Let's face it, if you are like me, your to-do list is probably too long to ever complete and some of the things on it may not be completely necessary, so we have to find the things that matter most and do those first. 

If this means relinquishing control of a responsibility, do it.
If this means, saying no to an invitation, do it. 
If this means you get up a little earlier or stay up a little later, do it.
If this means you set a timer for the thing you don't want to do, do it. 
If this means you need to make an appointment to meet a friend, do it.
If this means you skip a meeting to take the dog for a walk, do it.

Everything will be there when you get back. Most things are not urgent, so be mindful of what is most important in your walk with God. Do what matters most.

Romans 12:2, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will." (NIV)
inspired by "Who's Setting Your Priorites," Glynnis Whitwer

Twenty Three Years Ago

We were kids when it all started. Sixteen to be exact. We met, fell in love, got married. End of story.

Yeah, something like that! It doesn't really matter where it started, it is the journey you are on and the story you share together and with others. Those who follow our story, I hope it inspires and strengthens you, and if you are married, your marriage.

Now 23 years isn't one of the milestones in the Hallmark world, but for us, it is a year to remember and be thankful for. A year when life was won, and love conquered all. A year of loss and survival, celebrations and successes.

Twenty three years ago, probably too young to marry, I married a young man who loved to play volleyball in the sand and would spontaneously jumped in a car to take a road trip.

Today, I celebrate a man who has sacrificed everything to love and protect me and Jacob. A man who brings every situation to a peaceful solution. A man who would die for us and stand in the way of harm for his friends. A man who made a decision every day for the last 20 years to live. A man who makes a difference in people's lives and most of the time they don't even realize it. A man who believes in making others better. Making me better, and Jake, the best he can be. A man who dedicated his entire life to being the best dad he could be, never letting anything get in the way of that. He gave his all, all the time, in every situation.

Today, we celebrate 23 years of marriage and have so much to be thankful and proud of in our life together.

Today, we celebrate what happens when love wins. When God is in the center. When the focus in not on selfish ambition but on serving one another.

Today, we celebrate a home, a family and an amazing young man we call our son.

Today, we celebrate our neighbors who walk in this journey with us, growing as families in a neighborhood that values tradition and the spirit of children.

Today, we celebrate those who stood by us through the storms and returned to stand by our side in our darkest moments.

Today, we celebrate life for all it has given us.

It is our new beginning, our milestone, our love, that will carry us through another 23 years.

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." - Ecclesiastes 4:12

Marriage: As luck would have it

Every time I hear about a couple separating or getting a divorce, I am deeply saddened. Even if I don't know them. I know there are situations that are unhealthy or even abusive, and some relationships can turn sour, but I believe in marriage. I believe in doing what it takes to stay together. I believe it is "until death do us part." Hopefully, you are fortunate enough to know a few couples who have made it past the 10 year mark and beyond. Recently, someone commented that we are "lucky" and it bugged me that someone would think that "just by chance" we have made it to this point. I don't know about you, but if you are married, you will probably agree that luck has nothing to do with it.

Again, Luck?! It definitely isn't by luck that a marriage works or not. Especially ours and I am assuming yours too. No matter where you are in your marriage, you know it takes some work to keep things going well. Likewise, ours is not a story of luck in any sense. At times, we might even agree that we had a curse on our marriage that we battled from our 3rd year on. A curse we fought often. A curse that ached my heart and caused so much pain that I would cry myself to sleep at night. One that no one would ever understand then, or now. Our marriage wouldn't be anything if left by chance. Instead, God had a plan.

He had a plan for us that we may have never seen if I had not trusted in Him. God has a plan for each of us and when we are trusting Him we see that more clearly. When I trust in God, I know it is not by chance that I ended up in a certain place at a certain time. I am there because I listened and followed God's lead, even when I didn't want to. Even when it was too painful and I didn't see any hope for change.

Several times in the last 20 years, I have wondered why God allowed me to be in a situation that seemed unfair. So many times...it seemed unfair. I wanted something I knew I would never have and eventually accepted it, knowing that it wasn't God's fault but instead one man's decision that changed everything. In the beginning I had no idea what was going on but I knew things weren't the same. Our closest friends abandoned our lives, we bounced around from church to church and new acquaintances passed through our lives about every few years. I was convinced it was our schedule while I worked during the day, Rob spent his evenings at the dojo. Accepting that maybe us, as a couple, just didn't fit in anywhere, Rob and I built a life around the dojo and the people that came and went from there. It always seemed strange to me that we didn't see those who stood by us at our wedding only a few years earlier, nor were we getting invited to places with friends that were always around before. We has always been social and enjoyed the company of others. Rob knew everyone!

But that all changed after the accident.

We were faithful to church, going every week, yet never finding a place to belong. We were faithful to each other, yet kept our distance from building lasting friendships with others. We focused on Jacob and the life we had committed to together. At times, there was a sadness I felt when I thought about the times we shared before the accident. The times we shared with friends and our church family. But that was gone, and I knew it would never come back. We lost it after the accident. We were different and no one knew the struggle. No one would ever know. It was a secret even I didn't fully understand until recently.

During those times of wondering and crying out to God, I knew it was not by chance that I was where I was. I always knew and trusted God had a plan for me, for us. I never really knew what it was until recently. When our lives took a turn and I thought I would lose everything I had trusted and built my life on, I knew God was right there with me. He knew this day was coming and he prepared me for it. It wasn't by chance that I was right where I needed to be at that very moment. In the right Bible study with the right people, and with two Christian women who had only come into my life within the past few years. God knew what I needed and I listened.

It isn't luck that got us through the last 20 years. It was a commitment to love one another, even when we didn't know what the next day would bring. It was trusting in situations that to the rest of the world seemed unreliable. It was being thankful for what we had. It was believing in the unknown and the unpredictable. It was doing the right thing because it was the right thing. It was abandoning the naysayers and those that didn't believe in us. It was turning away from those who tried to misguide us in their lack of faith.

To the world, we may have looked like we had it all together most of the time but there was a battle that had to be fought. There was an accident that easily could have destroyed us from the beginning. An accident that haunted our lives for years, each in a different way without the other knowing BUT we made it through. Not by chance or luck or any other reason except my faith in something bigger than us. Today, we are on the other side of a tumultuous past and celebrating life together.

Rebuilding.
Renewing.
Recreating.

God knew all along this day would come.

Ephesians 2:10

For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

God Never Changes

In the past four months, I have had my fair share of sadness and struggle but moving forward on the journey of renewal and recovery, I know it is my faith in God that continues to carry me through this and any situation ahead of me. When your life takes a turn you don't expect, you have a choice. When you get to the crossroad of deciding which way to turn, God is the only choice that will lead you to the good life. Sometimes we want to take matters in our own hands, or we listen to a well-intended friend's advice but nothing can take away the truth of God and his plan for us. He is the only one who never changes and loves us all day, every day. It isn't always easy to trust things will turn out alright when you are in the midst of a difficult situation, but at the end of the day, things of "great value rarely come without personal discovery and insight." 
It was only a few months ago that I thought I had it all. Work, friends, church and family...all good! And then, out of what seemed to be left field, I was slapped in the face with confusion and doubt. Confusion about my life, doubt about my future, confusion about my past, doubt about my relationships. 

In the midst of it all, I knew God had a plan yet had no idea what it was. It was in those moments of doubt and confusion, I had to trust in God completely and come to terms that this road could be long and arduous. At first, it seemed like the end was never to come. I gave everything to God daily. I prayed for peace, I prayed for answers, and it was in those moments I felt safe. I was convinced that no matter what happened, I would be ok, it would be ok. It was that crossroad of deciding that I was not in control, that I knew God's plan for me had not changed. He knew this would happen and I believe he had prepared me for it. Although it was painful and uncertain, God had provided opportunities that I welcomed. I invited friends to pray for me, I was situated in a bible study at just the right time with just the right message, and I had peace in the storm of uncertainty. I had distractions that allowed me to focus on God and not the situation I was in. He took care of me, while I was faithful in my daily walk. 

In Max Lucado's, God will Use this for Good, he reminds us that "Out of the lions’ den for Daniel, the prison for Peter, the whale’s belly for Jonah, Goliath’s shadow for David, the storm for the disciples, disease for the lepers, doubt for Thomas, the grave for Lazarus, and the shackles for Paul. God gets us through stuff. Through the Red Sea onto dry ground (Ex. 14: 22), through the wilderness (Deut. 29: 5), through the valley of the shadow of death (Ps. 23: 4), and through the deep sea (Ps. 77: 19)." 

Did you catch that? "God gets us through stuff." When we come to crossroads in life, we have to remember that God is always the same and his plan for us does not change. No matter what the situation or circumstance, when we choose to follow Him, He will get us through it all. I am thankful for His faithfulness in my life and I know my journey will continue, but for now, I will serve God and never doubt His place in my life, for I have nothing to fear. 

James 1:17

17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.