But I keep getting back up for one more shot. So, here I am. Back up and moving forward. And this time, I am a little more vulnerable. This time I voiced my thoughts to a friend. I shared my heart for just a few minutes and that was it. A friend I knew wouldn't judge me, or the situation, and would simply love me and encourage me in my faith and in my desire to move on. Up to this point, I had created a psych ward in my head from all my insecurities (paraphrased from Beth Moore), spinning out of control at every little memory.
For the past six months, I have asked for prayer, for grace, for forgiveness. Not for me. I freely take grace and forgiveness, I just don't always dole it out. Holding on to hurt has trapped me from everything. It has kept me from God. From friends and most importantly, from loving others. I stayed trapped in my "psych ward" of insecurity for the last six months. Six months. Torturing myself while everyone else has moved on. But yesterday, I let out the thoughts and it felt good. It was strange that it only took a short chat with a friend to relieve the anxiety I had been carrying for. six. months. We can't always take on the world by ourselves. Yes, God is our protector and Savior but we were created to be in community with others here on earth. We are here to support one another and love each other, yet, my pride gets in the way of this sometimes and I think I can do it on my own.
Friends. They are hard to find and more hard to keep in this busy, self-absorbed society, but I have a few. And fortunately, yesterday, God had me ready to open up and share. And I finally felt free of my own thoughts. I under-estimated the impact a friend can have when I am struggling. I tried to handle it on my own but I couldn't. My wounds were deep but my faith was stronger. My friend listened and reminded me that I am human and yet, strong and loved. She validated me and showed me that I will get through it because of my faith. I needed that. I needed someone to tell me. I knew it....in my head. But sometimes we need someone to come alongside and remind us.
Last night, I imagined God as my father looking down on my begging me to come back. I imagined Him trying to put his arms around me while I stood stiff. I imagined tears trickling down his cheeks as I glared in anger. I imagined Him not speaking but tenderly looking at me with eyes of such sadness that I just couldn't withhold anymore. I thought about being a mother and how painful it would be if my son turned on me the way I had turned on God the last six months.
With my friend and with my God, I am reminded of how much we need each other on earth, and that we cannot live this life in isolation. Even though rejection has flooded me the last year, I know my heart breaks because I have loved deeply. And that is better than not to have loved at all.
So, here I am, going out on a limb again. Trusting. Loving. Forgiving.
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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